Dimple and a Smirk (dot) com

Feeling like I do

March 6, 2010 – 9:23 am

One of the gifts for which I’m most grateful is the group of amazing people I get to call “friend.” On the days when all I wanted to do was stay in bed with the comforter over my head, my phone would buzz with a text message from someone checking in or I’d get an e-mail to go to dinner.

Last night was one of those occasions where I had the opportunity to get together with a group of awesome men that I lovingly call “my boys.” The vodka drinks flowed freely, the conversations were hilariously awesome, and the food helped soak up some of the alcohol in our systems.

We sat around chatting about whatever was on the television or anything else that came up. The fact that we all hug one another each time we meet is one of my favorite things. When I get home, I tend to have a smile on my face and will usually laugh while preparing for bed when recalling a funny incident or comment.

To say these gatherings help maintain my sanity would be a bit much, but they are definitely one of the things that make me happy.

Posted in People, Random Citizen, Vodka | No Comments »

Do you think I’m beautiful?

March 4, 2010 – 12:55 am

In the next day or so, I’ll receive a box from my beloved Sephora filled with various beauty potions, fragrances, and other goodies. I always feel excited as I’m clicking the “Submit Order” button because of the excitement of getting new things to incorporate into my “routine” or refills of things I already love to use.

And then, there are days when I sit around and wonder why I waste my time with it. Yes, those feelings just happen to coincide with my low self-esteem days, but the thoughts linger in my brain. What starts off as a light snowflake drifting into my head rapidly becomes an avalanche of snow and rocks.

That’s usually when the frustration and anger kick in. Not at anyone else, but at myself for letting them get to me. The “them” I refer to is a compilation of vocal memories that I’ve heard over time, or things I’ve imagined people saying about me. And then my BFF Rejection starts knocking on the door to remind me of the futility of attempting to date.

Oh, great. Do they still make Calgon and can it take me away?

But seriously, if I could go a week without doubting myself and what I have to offer, that would be wonderful.

“I know everyone goes through this.”
“I should take comfort in knowing everyone has insecurities with which they wrestle.”
“If that guy doesn’t like you, fuck him, the next one will…or the next one…or the next one after the first 50 douchebags.”

Yes, these are the mantra that come to the rescue when I get down on myself. They work for the most part, but I still crave for that peace that comes when you truly are OK with who you are.

I’m looking into booking an appointment at a day spa. The visit may not make me feel any prettier or more desirable, but it will hopefully make me calm the fuck down and, once again, step outside of my head. And I also need to listen to this song more often.

Posted in Random Citizen, That's Life | No Comments »

Constant craving

March 1, 2010 – 12:25 pm

At what point does something you enjoying doing or being become a passion? Is it possible to have more than one?

While preparing my coffee this morning, I wondered what I was passionate about now that I have so much time on my hands. I couldn’t think of anything. Perhaps it was the lack of caffeine in my system. Or, it’s possible that it’s time to re-evaluate the things I like doing.

Sure, some will say, “What about music?” Music is definitely a passion of mine, but in many ways, it’s something so ingrained in me that I see it as part of my being rather than something I really, really, really like. Writing is similar. No matter what, I’ll always have to write, whether it’s in a journal with a pen or punching keys on my laptop. Because I went through many years of hating my actual voice, writing became my vocal chords. Now that I’ve come to terms with “East Coast Barbie” aka my voice, I see writing as just another handy tool to have.

Maybe it’s very Cold War-era Eastern European of me, but for a very long time, the act of working was where I put so much energy. When I went to bed at night, my brain kept running through work stuff, thinking about how I could do better or running through different scenarios of how a meeting or interaction may go. Just so much overthinking!

Admittedly, I would love to have that fabled work-life balance that become such a must-have item of the 00s. But my reality is I probably won’t achieve that balance because my life needs that one “thing” in the center and the rest will revolve around it. My personal solar system, if you will. With or without a “sun,” the planets will continue to orbit, but they lose a bit of light.

My challenge is to figure out how to build a new sun from the various gases and particles that are currently dancing around me or maybe a small cluster of stars will form into something bigger and brighter.

Posted in Random Citizen, That's Life | 2 Comments »

Who do you think you are?

February 26, 2010 – 12:14 am

Am I getting old (answer: yes), or are crowds at concerts getting more rude (answer: yes)?

I’ve been going to shows since I was a little kid and really don’t understand the sense of entitlement that has taken over the concert-going experience lately.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Concerts, Grumble, Music, Music Evangelism, People, Portland Oregon, Random Citizen, Ranting | 2 Comments »

Is it like today?

February 22, 2010 – 2:38 pm

What a difference a week (or so) can make. After spending a couple of days in bed upset and angry over the abrupt end of my job, I decided it was time to shake it off. The sun is shining in Portland freakin’ Oregon in the middle of February for goodness sakes!

Instead of moping around, I decided to get out and enjoy my newly-acquired free time while starting the search for a new position. I’ve been able to catch up with friends while enjoying the gorgeous Spring-like weather. I definitely believe everything happens for a reason, so I’m choosing to look at this in a positive light rather than a negative one.

And now, it’s time for me to get back on the road and live up to the “traveler” part of my life. Once my new passport arrives in a few weeks, who knows where I’ll end up?

And we're off...