insomniac, music evangelist, traveler, Random Citizen

Maybe the director’s turned on us

Yesterday, which I called “Friday” even though it was actually Thursday, my eyes opened around 6AM to see the sunlight pouring in my bedroom window. I was excited because it was the last day in the office before a three-day weekend and, surprisingly, I had multiple July 4th party plans.

Instead of getting out of bed immediately, I decided to stay put, but put on M83’s album, Saturdays = Youth.

Released in 2008, it’s an amazingly lush album that would fit in any 1980s-era teen movie directed by John Hughes. It made me imagine myself as the awkward, but lovable heroine who finds herself in a series of “moments” with the gorgeous, yet way out of her league male character.

After listening to the album, I got out of bed and prepared for my day…as the real-life awkward, but lovable heroine.

Alas, there’s no dark-haired, brooding super-jock who notices me in front of my locker with my equally awkward but lovable male counterpart (who loves me, but I don’t know it yet) while trying to be cool in front of his other super-jock buddies.

Now casting…

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Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

How often do you look yourself in the mirror, or perhaps after crawling into bed, and say out loud, “I love you [insert your own name here]“?

It sounds like something ripped from a New Age-type book, but really, if we don’t love ourselves, how can we say that to someone else, or perform loving actions towards someone else? I know the answer to that, it’s easy. It’s very easy to forget about yourself, your needs, your happiness and so on. Throwing yourself into another person’s life to forget your own problems is very tempting, but when that other person leaves, you’re left with not only the Samsonite (i.e. personal baggage) you had before, you’re now also tugging around the matching carry-on.

“Because it’s wrong to be selfish,” that’s probably what you’re thinking right now. Except, I’d disagree and argue that being able to love yourself is the first step towards being able to really see someone else — flaws and all — for who they are.

I bring this up because it’s a constant struggle in my life at the moment.

As I dip my pinky toe back into the dating puddle, it’s very tempting to retreat as the rejections stack up. Not only to protect my fragile self from constant rejection, but to get rid of feeling as if I’m the two days away from the “sell by this date” milk that everyone pushes aside in the grocery store to get to the newest and freshest container.

(Sometimes, it really does feel as if I should be carrying a sign that says, “Pick me! Pick me!!!” Yet thankfully, I have not reached that point of desperation and have friends who will slap me back into reality should that day come.)

But then I remember, the only person I really have to live with forever is myself. If I can get that figured out, the rest will fall into place…or not. I’m working on it.

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Keep it down now

As I sit up in bed, finishing another can of lime-flavored sparkling water, my brain continues to play out a variety of scenarios, making me quite sure there’s a direct correlation between my insomnia and chronic over-thinking.

You see, my brain is a like a series of “Choose Your Own Adventure” books…except, it’s preparing for things that may never happened. For better or worse, my brain wants me to be prepared in the event I encounter a leprechaun on a freeway or get asked out on a date in the checkout line while buying Pringles and Q-tips.

Most of the time, this over-thinking is fairly harmless and I can brush it aside as silliness. Other times, it can lead to feelings of doubt about actions I actually did take or may be considering. In those cases, I try to shut down those thoughts as quickly as possible or else that would turn me into one of those people who are afraid to leave their homes let alone want to go out on dates.

Whether it’s getting comfortable in my own body and performing in public, or dipping a pinky toe into the dating puddle, if the past few months are any indicator, I’m slowly beginning to put my over-thinking on pause and letting my active brain lead the way.

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Magnificent

On Friday evening, I put away the Random Citizen moniker for a few hours to put on a new persona — Hot Chocolate.

That was the name my fellow dancers called me during last week’s recital prep session and I loved it so much, I went with it.

Friday was a long day, mostly because I was such a bundle of nerves the previous night that I didn’t sleep as well as I could have. Throughout the day, I would look at my work computer’s clock and think “8 ’til the recital…7 hours…” Once it was time to leave work, it really became front of mind that in a matter of hours, I would be performing for a small audience of friends and loved ones in the dance studio space.
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Posted in Dancing, Music, People, Portland Oregon, Random Citizen | 2 Comments »

I will dare

“Wow, you’re crazy, I could never do that!” is a phrase I hear often.

If this is truly to be my one go-round on this planet, I’d rather look back on my life and say, “Well, I tried and it was awesome! (or, it was horrible!),” instead of “Oh, maybe I should have tried…”

That doesn’t mean I’m going to try everything — I do have my limits — but I want to constantly challenge myself. Whether that’s writing content for this blog, wearing high heels, taking a dance class, or flirting, taking a chance can be a good thing. If it doesn’t work out, which given my dating record is usually the case, at least I can say “I tried.”

What’s something that you’ve always wanted to do, but felt it would be “too crazy”? What would change your mind and get you to try it?

It shouldn’t take an external force to make you do something. It has to come from within. If the curiosity isn’t there, no one can force you to enjoy or even try. That said, not trying because of an internal fear could lead to a life of missed opportunities.

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